Hands up anyone who's not a Charley fan. Right, get out: you're barred.

Since we're now left only with people of pleasing intellect and taste, we can begin the review. First, as a brief aside, is "Nicholas Briggs as the Daleks" really a major selling point, worthy of the cover? Okay, so he does the TV voices, too, but who, other than committed fans, knows that and cares. More to the point, won't they already be buying at least three copies of every Big Finish release already? You don't think it's because Briggsy is one of the Big Finish producers that his voicing mysteriously warrants a cover praise, do you?

Anyway, moving on. When you sit down to write a piece of intelligent fiction, more often than not, you tend to want to make it "multi-layered" - ie "not too basic". The audience need brain stimulation, you convince yourself, so let's add some plot twists. All well and good so far.

The problem is when you go overboard and start to cackle to yourself as you add in every single plot twist and clever idea you can possibly think of. Suddenly, your play lurches from minute to minute like a rodeo bull, throwing off audience members willy nilly.

Oops Alan Barnes. I'm looking at you here.

What's up here? This is getting silly. Not only has Louise Jameson already starred in three entire series of Gallifrey already, she's been in the Tomorrow People plays, the last Sapphire and Steel play and a previous Companion Chronicles piece, The Catalyst. Now she gets another one? What did Mary Tamm, Janet Fielding, Sarah Sutton and Matthew Waterhous do wrong? Actually, don't answer that.

Of course, the quick answer is that Big Finish producer Nigel Fairs seems to like Jameson, given that he's responsible for writing and directing a sizable number of the plays I just listed. In fact, this follows on directly from The Catalyst, at least in storytelling metaphor, even if the story itself is set at a more random point. Co-starring David Warner (oh look, another Big Finish fave. Fancy that.), the play isn't as good as The Catalyst and feels like a couple of old Blake's 7 episodes cobbled together.

I'm not selling it to you, am I?

It's going to be interesting to see how the crop of companions from nu-Who are regarded in 30 or 40 years' time. As much as Rose might be loved and Martha disliked now, will time swap them in future generations' affections?

Take a look at Jo Grant, one of the third Doctor's companions, for example. Brought in to appeal to kids in a way connoiseur's companion Liz Shaw was unable to, Jo Grant was very popular during her stint on the show.

Now, she's reviled as a brain-dead waste of space and a retrograde, anti-feminist step on the part of the producers, who had also wanted a companion who needed saving and had to have everything explained to her - and Liz Shaw is revered by anyone with any sense.

But Big Finish is here to save the unsaveable. It made Colin Baker and Bonnie Langford popular. Surely it can make Jo Grant interesting for one of its Companion Chronicles. Can't it?

Now along comes another bad idea to the world of Doctor Who. Big Finish are going to adapt these stage plays and turn them into audio plays, trying to be as faithful as possible to the original productions, no matter how arse they were. They're even hiring as much of the original cast as possible, no matter how appalling they were, too.

First up is The Ultimate Adventure, a stage play from the 80s that featured first Jon Pertwee then Colin Baker (and occasionally understudy David Banks) as the Doctor. Written by Terrence Dicks, it also features the Daleks, the Cybermen, mercenaries and - oh my God - songs.

There's always something more to look forward to with a fifth Doctor Big Finish play. Okay, so Colin Baker's still the best audio Doctor and he's usually partnered with India Fisher (best audio companion/actress), Nicola Bryant (ah, Peri…) or Bonnie Langford (nearly best audio companion/actress. Honest). But his stories tend to be considerably poorer than the ones Peter Davison ends up with.

Whether it's the TV era itself that encourages the writers to come up with cleverer storylines or the editor of the fifth Doctor range (whoever that might be) simply commissioning better pieces, you can usually assume that a fifth Doctor piece is going to be good, with just the occasional minor fluff-up (such as The Boy That Time Forgot.

Here, though, we have Marc Platt, author of the Sylvester McCoy TV story Ghostlight, who can normally be guaranteed to over-write his audio plays something chronic. So we have a battle on our hands: the pretension of the seventh Doctor's era versus the cold sci-fi of the fifth Doctor's. Who will win? And should you spend money on the spoils of the war?

Two questions. First, do you think there's a reason that the seventh Doctor has been particularly companion-bereft of late? The Big Finish-ies claim it's because they want to explore the 'vast' time that he's alone before the TV Movie. I'm wondering if so few people are buying the seventh Doctor audio stories, they can't afford companions as well. Or maybe they don't like Sophie Aldred.

Question two: why do writers bother trying to be clever with Big Finish? Here we have a cyberman story. We know this because there's a great big cyberman on the front cover and because the story's Kingdom of Silver. Mondas gets mentioned halfway through the first episode and one of the 'houses' in the play is called Argentum (sp?). So what's the big cliffhanger at the end of episode one? OMG, it's a cyberman! Who saw that coming?

 

Quite a lot of the time, you're also going to be thinking, "Ooh, goody. This looks like fun. We're going to have a laugh doing this, aren't we?"

And then, just occasionally, you'll get one through that not only makes you think, "Ooh goody, that'll be fun," you'll also be thinking. "Ah! I love the smell of ham in the morning."

There are species of sloth faster than me. I really do learn incredibly slowly sometimes. Case in point: the Big Finish Sapphire and Steel audio plays.

These have been a largely hit-and-miss affair, with the distinct emphasis on 'miss'. Yet I've kept on getting them and wasting my time with them. Doh! Still, once in a while, a good one turns up, so I'm not wholly insane.

Where I'm learning impaired is in forgetting to note who writes each story. In particular, if it's producer Nigel Fairs, the Sapphire and Steel supremo at Big Finish, you can pretty much guarantee that the first part of the whole play is going to be absolute drek, with a second part that manages to make the misery you've experienced almost worthwhile.

Turns out that for this, the final play in the series, possibly ever, pretty much the whole of the second part is absolute drek as well. The final ten minutes or so? Now that's where it gets really interesting.

Told by Deborah Watling, who played Victoria during the second Doctor's reign, it's one of those future Earth stories that were so beloved by the era (eg The Moonbase, The Invasion, The Seeds of Death), in which some exciting world-changing doohickey has been invented and some aliens come along to take it over.

The trouble is that it's pretty much that – a regular old second Doctor story – rather than something more exciting, such as a chance to give Victoria some decent characterisation.

JACK: Okay, listen up fucktards. It's Torchwood here. We're below the law, beside the government and over the top and we're here to educate you about the Higgs Boson.

MURMURS OF PROTEST FROM AUDIENCE

JACK: Yes, you idiots. You know nothing about CERN or the large hadron collider or really difficult science things. So Radio 4 have asked us to come and educate your asses for Big Bang Day.

MORE MURMURS OF PROTEST FROM AUDIENCE

JACK: Shut it or I'll make you smell my coat. I haven't washed it since I first got it and I was buried in peat for 2,000 years.

GWEN: Ych y fi, Jack!

JACK: Right, the Higgs Boson. It's… Hmm. Anyone know? Gwen?

GWEN (ON PHONE): Can I phone a friend? Rhys? Oh, Rhys man! What are you doing? I loves you. You knows I loves you!… But Rhys… Why her?…

JACK: Maybe not then. Tosh? Oh sh… she's dead. Owen. Oh sh… he's dead too. Christ, they were the only ones who knew anything. Martha?

MARTHA GIGGLES AND IMPERSONATES A PIECE OF WOOD

JACK: Ianto?

IANTO TRIES TO AVOID JACK'S EYE BY READING THE CRACK-A-JOKE BOOK AND LAUGHING UNCONVINCINGLY

JACK: Guess it'll be me then. Erm, it's a thing that you, like, see. Erm, inside rain drops. Protons? Are we clear yet?

MORE MURMURS, THIS TIME OF RIDICULE FROM THE MIDDLE CLASS WELL EDUCATED RADIO 4 AUDIENCE

JACK: What do you mean Torchwood know sweet FA about science, so much so it's embarrassing? Oh…Look over there. It's an eagle. No really. Look! Look!

AUDIENCE LOOKS STAGE RIGHT

JACK: Quick, Ianto - the rear entrance!

Excerpt from Torchwood: Lost Souls

'The boy whom time forgot', surely? Oh well.

First off, let's ask ourselves a rhetorical question in a loud, slightly self-righteous voice.

“Is nothing sacred? Nothing, I ask you?”

Just thought I'd get that off my chest. See, this Big Finish adventure takes one of the classic moments of the fifth Doctor's TV reign, tramples all over, gets into its SUV, drives over it, reverses back for another go, then throws it into an old reservoir where it's left to float among the dead fish and tyres.

Memories: crushed.

All the same, once you've accepted that particular shock to your system, The Boy That Time Forgot is quite fun and interesting. Treading a very fine line between self-mockery and pathos, it manages to avoid being an utterly pointless exercise in mining continuity for all its worth - and then some - and becomes something almost thought provoking.

Be warned, I'll have to spoil you a little bit after the jump just so you have the faintest idea what I'm on about. It might make you more interested in the play, too.

It's not often that the biggest fault with a Big Finish play is that it's not long enough. Quite often, you just sit there, watching the tumbleweed go by and glaciers nip past you as you wait for the play to come to its inevitable conclusion.

But for the first time in quite a while, I came to the end of a play and found myself wishing that they'd spent a whole lot more time on it. I'm not saying that it was brilliant, it's just when you have a character who has the potential to be one of the most interesting Doctor Who villains around, an hour doesn't seem like quite enough to explore the character properly, does it?

And so it is we have a new regular series of audio plays at Big Finish: The Companion Chronicles. As we all know, Big Finish has been creating monthly, full cast plays featuring the television Doctors and companions for over a decade now. Not all the Doctors, mind, because some have passed on to the great Matrix in the sky – and one's a complete mentalist.

The Companion Chronicles was an attempt to (cheaply) fill that gap, by having two-handed dramas featuring just one of those missing Doctors' companions relating a tale featuring him or her and the missing Doctor – usually as they're about to kark it.

Two series in and the idea's proved so popular, Big Finish have gone monthly with it and decided to extend it to later companions as well. Up first is Susan, the Doctor's first ever companion and only known (proper) relative.

Casting's a funny old game, isn't it? You can ruin a production with it, or make it a triumph. You can make thousands flock to it, or send them running for the hills.

Take The Death Collectors for instance. It's been sitting on my metaphorical shelf for the best path of a month now, glowering at me sinisterly. I say sinisterly purely because it's a Sylvester McCoy story and I find them about as appealing as an emergency tracheotomy performed with a Pizza Hut knife and coke straw. This one doesn't even have Hex (or, shudder, Ace) to make it slightly more appealing.

Oh, but what's this? Katherine Parkinson is the guest star? The sort of red-headed one with the nice voice off The IT Crowd?

Ah. Now, I really think you should have made more of that Big Finish. Maybe written it in giant letters across the cover and relegated Sylvester McCoy to the small print perhaps?

Pass me my iPod…

The answer is simple. As well as regularly turning up plays that can be described as not bad, sooner or later, you hit upon ones that can only be described as excellent. And then I get to tell you about them.

It's been a long time coming, but it's finally here: it's the first excellent Big Finish Sapphire and Steel play, Zero. Except it's Gold and Silver who have been assigned this time.