Celebrity Big Brother's back and to continue a tradition stretching back an entire series or so, it's time for instant bitchy reactions to all the 'celebrities' involved. Because I'd withstand similar, of course.

Carole Malone
Happy, happy joy joy. A Sunday Mirror columnist, who spends most of her time being bitchy. It's going to be interesting to see how much other commentators can hold off from giving her a right slagging.

Cleo Rocos
If you're a heterosexual male of a certain age, you will remember Cleo Rocos. Otherwise, I'll just remind you that she was Kenny Everett's sidekick in the early 80s. Ridiculously well preserved after all these years. A little bit crazy, but in quite an endearing way, so should be entertaining.

Danielle Lloyd
Former Miss Great Britain and Teddy Sheringham's girlfriend, we have here a genuine WAG, rather than that wannabe Nikki from the last BB proper. But stunningly stupid. A rock would do better in a Turing Test than her. My wife actually let out a gasp of sympathy when she started talking to the other housemates, it was that dismaying.

Dirk Benedict
Sweet merciful Jesus. An actual celebrity and God among men. Still full of charisma after all these years. I'll be rooting for him, even if he was mean about Katee Sackhoff.

Donny Tourette
Who? I'm sure cooler kids than I (ie my sister) know who he is, but I haven't a clue and I like punk rock. Seems a pale shadow of actual punk rockers though and has clearly donated his charisma quotient to Dirk Benedict. He's best known as Peaches Geldof's possible boyfriend. Bottom. Of. The. Barrel.

Ian 'H' Watkins
Didn't recognise him without his blonde hair dye. It's H from Steps everyone! Seems like quite a nice bloke. Apparently outed himself prior to going into the house to dispel any questions about his sexuality. There were questions?

Jermaine Jackson
One of the Jackson 5. You have to feel sorry for him though: he's clearly not spoken to another human being since the early 80s and has the conversational skills of a hardcore hermit. I'm worried he'll have a minor breakdown within the first four days. He obviously didn't recognise anyone else, but at least there's another American for him to talk with. I pity the fool who has to talk to him though...

Jo from S Club
Didn't recognise her without the other six members of S Club (7). Seemed quite nice and a lot smarter than Danielle, but I sensed a reservoir of evil, ready to come on tap at a moment's notice. She and H already knew each other, so at least she'll have a pal to talk to.

Ken Russell
Yes. Seriously. Ken Russell. Ken “Lair of the White Worm” Russell. Ken “Amanda Donohoe, painted blue with a narwhale horn strap-on” Russell. Probably going to be this year's John McCririck. Seems charmingly endearing at the moment though.

Leo Sayer
Time may have steered clear of Leo Sayer's face, since he's almost unchanged since 1976, but they've had a go at his vocal folds, because the man can't sing for toffee any more. Painful to listen to. Once met Cleo at a party.

Shilpa Shetty
Never heard of her, but she's a superstar in Bollywood, allegedly. Presumably, there are vast numbers of people in Britain who went “Shilpa Shetty!” when she first appeared, but I wasn't one of them. She's a black belt in karate so there may be some chances of a Celebrity Death Match. Shilpa v Ken? Now that I'd pay to see.

So we're not talking Celebrity celebrities here. No Tom Cruise. No David Tennant. No Thumbelina Jolie. But a few you probably sort of remember from that show and that movie. You know. That one. And at least there aren't as many psychos as last year. But 25 days? That's harsh.

Updates and related entries

January 4, 2007: The Towers of London are not made up.
January 5, 2007: Day one of Celebrity Big Brother coverage begins here.
January 29, 2007: My retrospective on this year's Celebrity Big Brother.

Read other posts about: Big Brother