I've been watching The Unit for a while now. It, of course, is based on - but for legal reasons, isn't actually about - the US's Delta Force special forces unit. It's a hard, manly series exec produced by David Mamet. After a cracking pilot episode written by Mamet, the series dipped a bit, but is right back on target (did you see what I did there?), thanks in particular to some nifty scripts by Lynn Mamet, David Mamet's sister. It's not fantastically realistic, but it's still pretty enjoyable.
But on Saturday evening, Ultimate Force returned to our screens for its fourth season. Ultimate Force stars Ross Kemp as the leader of an SAS unit and it's supposed to be hard and manly as well. So I tuned in to compare and contrast our depiction of our most daring crack troops with the US's depiction of theirs.
Oh sweet merciful Jesus. We are rubbish. We are the laughing stock of the world.
I haven't really watched ITV in a long time. Every time I have, it's been like playing a Lottery scratchcard: most of the time, it's a complete waste of time and money and a bitter disappointment. Occasionally, you might win a quid, but that's the best you'll ever do. And with respected writer Jimmy McGovern (Cracker) arguing that primetime ITV drama is rubbish, I wasn't going to change my mind on that very soon. Nevertheless, duty called so I watched Ultimate Force.
I don't think mere words can really convey just how bad it was. As Sam whotsit on The Guardian said on Monday, it's impossible to watch without a massive smirk on your face the whole way through, it's just so bad. So to convey our true awfulness when we actually try to compete with the US, I thought I would go for a photoroman approach, in the style of La Jetée (which I actually fell asleep during, so I can't be sure this is very much like it).
This is Dennis Haysbert, the star of The Unit
As I'm sure you'll agree, a hard, manly man. Or at least convincing as a hard, manly man.
This is Ross Kemp
To quote the lovely Marie, “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA” .
Or if you prefer, “hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
Now let's look at The Unit's attempts to do abroad. I've already commented on this once but they're getting better:
You could kind of believe that was a favella in the background, couldn't you? Now let's look at Ultimate Force's stab at 'abroad':
It's a caravan site in the New Forest! They couldn't even be bothered to use a real country! They've made one up. Dear God, we're rubbish.
It's just depressing. Any country insane enough to buy Ultimate Force is going to think Ross Kemp is the best action hero we've got! The Germans have more action-packed police shows than this: they have Der Puma - Kämpfer mit Herz and got Donnie Yen to direct the action sequences. We have Ross Kemp in his pants.
It's disheartening to say the least.
Updates and related entries
June 29, 2006: Good news for Dennis Haysbert fans in the UK. The Unit (about which I have written reasonably extensively) has been picked up by Bravo as a replacement for the now-dead Alias. No word on when it will air, but...
August 18, 2006: A while ago, we obliquely touched on the poor quality of ITV programming of late. Now come a few hard empirical facts.
January 28, 2008: A review of Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, and a reconsideration of Ultimate Force
September 29, 2008: A review of the first episode of the fourth season of CBS's The Unit
May 3, 2006 | Reply
"I haven't really watched ITV in a long time."
It sucks so much right now, doesn't it?!
And I especially can't take Ross Kemp seriously at the moment with Grant being all touch-feely on 'Enders... urgghhh.
May 4, 2006 | Reply
Eastenders is rubbish now. I tuned in when Dirty Den came back. Now that was bad. Everything that made Den good had been forgotten. Leslie Grantham used to explain that when he was originally on the show, he was given rubbishy middle class dialogue:
Ang: How come men can have affairs but women can't? It's not fair.
Den: That's the way the cookie crumbles...
Grantham famously replaced that with "Tough". When he came back, he forgot to edit his dialogue, the character wasn't so interesting, so they got rid of him.
The touchy-feeliness appears to have been inherited from US soaps, which believe that women will only be interested in emotionally incontinent men who discuss their feelings all day. Not sure that works here.
Besides, who can take Ross Kemp seriously as a hard man after Extras. "They're good people on Family Affairs"
May 4, 2006 | Reply
Yep, Extras really topped out any possible serious response to RK.
Oh but really, this post spoils us. Truly BWAH!!!! (that's me laughing hysterically at your post btw)
May 4, 2006 | Reply
Why thank you. I feel my blog entries are indeed the Ferrero Rochers of media criticism: not as expensive as proper chocolates, but perfectly acceptable alternatives that come tastefully wrapped.
And remember everyone: to view bigger versions of the pictures, including Ross Kemp in his PE kit, just click on them...
May 4, 2006 | Reply
Ewh! No thanks! (Enlarged RK... urgh...
now David Tennant... that's another matter!)
May 4, 2006 | Reply
I don't have an extensive library of photos depicting David Tennant in his PE kit. I'll have a look, but I don't have high hopes. Maybe if you email The Guardian, they'll organise a photo shoot.
May 4, 2006 | Reply
David Tennant in his PE kit? I think I'm having a Rosby-scenario style faint!
And personally I think the Guardian owes us big style after the fashion-shoot debacle! (Marie, for one, was not impressed... )
September 16, 2007 | Reply
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hey have Der Puma - K?ɬmpfer mit Herz and got Donnie Yen to direct the action sequences. We have Ross Kemp in his pants.
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Why cant I have ross kemp in his pants? sob sob.
September 17, 2007 | Reply
Everyone has to have a dream, I guess!