ITV is to unveil its new branding next Monday. After my previous complaints about ITV3 and ITV4, it seems they've come up with some new focuses:

• ITV1: “emotional moments we all share”.
• ITV2: “must-have TV”
• ITV3: “drama that draws you in”
• ITV4: “collision of opposites” (WTF?)

Pure and utter cobblers, of course. I mean, can you imagine the controllers of each of the channels actually doing anything with those?

“Hmm. Must have more shows that are a 'collision of opposites'.”
“How can I get more shows that will share emotional moments?”

Hard, huh?

Here's a more truthful branding that is also more practical:

• ITV1: “God-awful programmes for people who found Armageddon too intellectually challenging”
• ITV2: “Programmes that couldn't pass ITV1's quality threshold ”
• ITV3: “Re-runs of programmes we made in the 80s, together with some decent US imports”
• ITV4: “Re-runs of programmes we made in the 60s and 70s, together with some decent US imports”

See? Immediately useful:

“Must commission another series of X-Factor....”
“Must commission a programme to go with X-Factor, hosted by people less talented than those on ITV1”
“Ah. Poirot. Now that was a show.”
“I must call CBS and the USA Network and ask them what they've planned for next season. But first, The Avengers!”

No great mental treks required. No communing with the inner self. Just good practical guidance. And isn't that what any mission statement should be? Email ITV if you think my ideas should be adopted.

Updates and related entries

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